Honestly, it’s kind of lame to suddenly post on your blog because ‘it’s been a while’. After much mulling over as to what can I possibly write about — which included an ambitious project of composing a poem of sorts about finding love with some of my favourite song titles — and none of it really taking shape, I have finally decided upon what I can write about.
But first, a brief recap: The most I have done in the last 6-7 months is to make an appearance, once in a blue moon, when keeping the blog alive was more an obsession rather than an activity I enjoyed. So what is different today, I ask myself, and the reply comes in the form of another question: What exactly has been stopping me from posting; if not regularly, at least ‘sometimes’?
And finally I find the answer to ‘what is different today?’ Today, I am not obsessing. Today I am not trying too hard to think of something interesting enough to write about. Today—as my month-and-half old husband puts it— I am experiencing ‘epiphany’; and that is what I am precisely going to write about: the epiphany of ‘why I have not been posting and scribbling’.
Disclaimer: You might or might not find this ‘intelligible’ enough. Although I understand that only Mutual Fund Investment companies need to put out such warnings, I choose to be the considerate blogger who thinks the reader must know the anticipated aftereffects of reading personal epiphanies; more so because I have never bothered to convert my previous epiphanies into a blogpost.So now then that we are clear on that, you may continue at your own risk.
So, why have I not been posting?
Excuse#1: I am working. I really don’t get the time, you see.
Really? I have worked before. An alien city, a grueling work schedule. Hardly any sleep on working days. And to add to that, weird encounters, of which, I have no intention of going into details. For an average person who has led a fairly comfortable life, straws enough for the brain to go in freeze mode. And instead of letting the ‘creative juices’ flow, all I could do was to sleep and only sleep on the lone weekly off day, that too in the middle of the week or at the most raid the houses of an unfortunate few to savour home-cooked food.
But now? ‘Work’ as an excuse for not writing is like telling a college kid to not play the guitar because studies are more important (and I speak from personal experience here)! Yes, work does get a little tiresome now and then. But it takes me all of 15 minutes to reach office; I get the weekend(s) off and there’s ample time to squeeze in at least a couple of posts, a month. But I choose to stick to my ‘too tired and can’t concentrate’ excuse. It’s simple, really. If you want to write, you write. If you don’t, you don’t.
Epiphany#1: I chose not to write. I looked for excuses.
Excuse#2: I have a ‘life’ now, a thriving one. I want to be in the thick of things and not let life pass me by.
Hmmm. When I had started writing this blog, I was on— what I now see it as— a partly self-imposed exile (again details not to be disclosed) for an indefinite period. Not that I didn’t have a ‘life’ per se, but I chose to moderate it for various reasons. Now the ‘moderation’ didn’t really keep me away from living beings. When I did step out and socialise, I got some of the rudest shocks and had one too many pointless experience(s) which by all means, made me a little more wary of the real world. Hence, my priority lay in my blog, and reading up as much as possible.
So when I lifted the exile off myself, more than two years later, I had a giddy feeling. My head was light. I wanted to socialise more. I wanted to take more chances (which btw got me my better half) and I just wanted to live in the moment and let long-term plans and goals go to hell, for a change. So the blog took a backseat because it required a bit of observation, a bit of brainstorming and a bit of composure and a little less of impulsiveness (oh no, I am not one of those brilliant minds who come with something tangential and great on an impulse; I am more the compulsive writer and impulsive eater, lover, buyer…and what not!).
Epiphany#2: Now this is something, everyone with some passion or the other always says. If you really like doing something, you will do it any which way. Schedule, lifestyle, changes….nothing really matters. So I realise, I really do want to write, so why look for excuses to NOT write?
Excuse#3: This is little difficult to put in words, that too without ruffling a few (generic) feathers. But one word for it: Love! Yes I was (still am) in love. I believe everybody has an ideal of/for love or more precisely the lover which then stretches onto conjugal territories (oh well, didn’t you know being ‘25 Plus’ and unmarried is a sin in India?) Accordingly, I had reached the stage where-in I was convinced, in some manner, that I should find ‘arranged love’ in light of the fact that I had had quite a few hits and misses while trying to find ‘natural love’. *Scoffs*
But to my utter astonishment (I ought to thank my impulsiveness for that) and joy I found love naturally after convincing myself that arranged love was the most I could get. And I completely drowned myself in it (sounds cheesy but that is the long and short of it). In case, you are wondering, the aforementioned ‘ambitious project’ was a fall out of all that drowning. And this is how far I got with the composition…
Ummm…well…How ‘About Today’
‘Mistaken for Strangers’…if not by friends…surely by closer relations….
I just ‘Lost’ it for a while…till ‘You Found Me’
And then, simply put, I just LOST it!
Now then, if only I was a little less impulsive and little more balanced, then I surely wouldn’t have changed the pace of my life because of love. I wouldn’t have ‘wasted’ all the weekends. I could have been ‘productive’ and be a little less love-struck. In fact, I tried. During the initial days I was always scared of losing my ‘vitality’ and wished to have ‘alone time’. But then I loosened up…and I am glad that I did.
Epiphany#3: I haven’t really lost sight of my ‘ambitious project’ because ‘What’s Love Got To Do With It!’ If anything, it makes you want to write more, explore more, express more. And in any case, my natural born lover is all for writing and reading….
So, today on wards I choose to write as much as I can, again; the most inane of things, a little bit of philosophical stuff, a bit more about life, and whatever else that comes my way… Excuses are easy to come by, epiphanies perhaps aren’t…so it’s better to act on them, when you have them. I think I just did.